Over the last two weeks I have felt completely useless. I experienced a wicked depression and did not bother to reach out to others and ask for help. I also spent very little time in the Bible and in prayer. Because my chronic low blood pressure caused me to feel dizzy and lethargic, it was difficult to sit up and use my laptop. The longer time I spent away from things that would normally nourish my faith, such as God’s word, prayer, and fellowship with others, the more I began to question if I could be a tool for God with the physical and mental challenges I face. But we all know you do not have to have a disability or mental health diagnosis to feel broken down and useless at times.
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Wrestling With God
For the last several weeks I have been struggling to sleep, once again. I might go five or six days in a row sleeping only one to three hours per night. On top of that, in November I was hospitalized twice at Duke. I first went for a septic UTI, which kept me there almost a week. Then a week later, I had to go back for a blood infection which also kept me there for about a week. This caused me to miss an entire week of my class which really put me behind.
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For many of you that read my blog, you know that I am paralyzed from the shoulders down and live in a long-term care facility. My permanent aide of the last five years has picked up different responsibilities so others are having to fill in. There has been very little consistency in the aides that are now taking care of me over the three shifts that have to be covered. It’s difficult to have someone different every day see me in ways that make me feel super vulnerable.
These changes in my caregiving routine have caused me a lot of insecurity and anxiety. These feelings are amplified during my nightly battle with insomnia and have caused me to experience a wicked depression. Some mornings I feel like I just can’t breathe and it’s difficult to focus on doing the right things.
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Diary of a Quadriplegic 