When my neck was broken in 2013 there was so much confusion in my mind. Difficult things happened in my life before then and I had held onto my faith, but this was so catastrophic that I couldn’t think clearly. I wondered if God was punishing me for all I had done wrong. Although I was sober when my injury occurred, I had been an active alcoholic for many years before then and the behaviors that accompanied my drinking were condemned sins all throughout the Bible.
I also wondered if I was strong enough to endure the life ahead of me. I believed He could heal me, but what if He had other plans for me to have an outreach to people while still sitting in my wheelchair? I wondered if God had just given me too much or if I would simply fail Him. I was living under the assumption that maybe He didn’t understand me.
He Knows Me
Psalm 139: 1 You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4 Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.
No one will ever know me the way God knows me. Not a spouse, not a BFF, not even a parent. I desperately needed to believe that God knew what he was doing when he allowed this to happen to me. If God perceives my thoughts from afar and knows what I’m going to say before it’s even on my tongue, then He knows me better than I know myself. I had to hang onto verses like these in those first couple of years as I went through a myriad of emotions.
In this same Psalm in verse 13 it says, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” It is such a blessing that God knows my hopes and fears, all the emotional scars my heart holds and all the scars I’ve caused others. He knit me together in such a way that can handle all of these infirmities or weaknesses or whatever you would choose to call them, based on a relationship with Him. He will also direct me to the passages I need to read in order to grow and change.
He Is With Me
Psalm 139: 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
It doesn’t matter if I’m surging in my faith or in drowning in depression, He is there. It doesn’t matter if I spend five hours of my day reading and praying or if I choose not read and pray that day, his right hand will still guide me and hold me fast. There may be times when I am steeped in sin and I feel everything is dark around me. The Scripture says my darkness will shine like the day. He sees. He hears. He cares.
He Redeems Me
Psalm 103: 2 Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— 3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, 4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, 5 who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
Before I was a Christian, I’m not sure I knew what the word redeem meant, but had I known I would’ve said I was unredeemable. I hated myself and felt guilty all the time. I was a raging alcoholic and I had too many different men in my life. I had very low self-esteem and was an underachiever. I had been told growing up that I was stupid and not worthwhile (not by my family – thankfully) and I believed it. If I couldn’t do something well I would just quit because I assumed I would never get any better.
When I became a Christian at age 25, my life was finally redeemed from that awful pit. The Scripture says He satisfies your desires with good things, and since I was now involved with a Christian fellowship and attended church a couple of times a week, I was busier and did not feel the desire or obsession to drink. I had people around me to give me support and encouragement if it returned. I also finally learned how to have a blast without drinking! It wasn’t hard to do!
Not all the hurts and emotional scars were immediately removed from me, but with prayer, Bible study, mentoring and friendship from other women, the impact has lessened or completely destroyed some of the negative beliefs I had about myself. Since I had a history of depression, it was also suggested that I work with a psychiatrist or counselor. I took that advice. The beauty of past sins and mistakes in behavior is it can be a way to encourage someone else going through the same.
Maybe you feel this way about your life. Do you feel like you’ve sinned too much to be forgiven? That you fallen well below his grace? Are you afraid of committing your life to God? Are you afraid you will fail Him miserably? Are you going through a time of the confusion in your faith? Have you been let down by a spouse or by friends and it’s rocked your faith? There is hope.
Romans 8: 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
If you are in need of encouragement, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.