During my prayer time last night, I found myself shaking my fist at God in frustration. Thankfully He didn’t strike me with lightning because He is merciful and full of lovingkindness. Plus, it motivated me to write this blog. I am open to the idea that what I’m about to tell you was part of His plan for me. It’s possible He allowed me to go through the events I’m going to share to help me grow and become more holy. And to think it all started with the failure of permanent eyeliner.
A few days ago I went to permanent makeup artist. Using tattooing techniques, she does things like add color to your lips, enhance your eyebrows, and in my case, add eyeliner to the top and lower lids. When I had it done, it really looked great. I came back to the facility and everyone said it made my eyes “pop” and I was so pleased. The next day, it got significantly lighter. The day after that, the lines started to disappear completely. I think my skin just doesn’t like the tattoo ink and spits it right back out. In her defense, she is a professional who owns her own business and has been doing this type of thing for over 30 years. She had great reviews. I don’t blame her at all.
I kept telling people I was not upset about the lines disappearing because God had tried to block me from going and I didn’t pay attention. Then I would kind of chuckle. My sister-in-law was supposed to take me but she got diagnosed with pneumonia the night before. A friend from church then came to take me but my wheelchair van wouldn’t start at first. Then I realized I didn’t transfer enough money onto my credit card to cover the cost. Nevertheless, I pushed the envelope and got the procedure done.
Then the ugliness came out during my prayer time last night.
Why, God? Why? Can’t I feel good about the way I look externally? What’s wrong with my eyes popping? I mean, I look so tired and plain all the time!
Before my injury, I wore makeup and had regular salon visits to cover my gray roots. I worked out and was fit and trim. In my vanity, I worked hard to meet a worldly standard and I considered myself to be attractive. Whether or not anyone else did, I do not know and it isn’t even relevant at this point.
But now in this wheelchair, I often despise the way I look. My spine is crooked and my neck is crooked, so my head leans to the right when I sit in my wheelchair. When I see myself on a Zoom call or look in the mirror, it hurts me to look at myself! Because of my scoliosis, one of my shoulders is much higher than the other which makes my leaning neck look all the more severe and painful.
So last night I complained to God about this issue. Why can’t I feel good about myself? It was just a little eyeliner! And that complaint led to a litany of other complaints that I had buried deep in my heart. It was quite the gripe session.
And what came to mind was what I prayed shortly before I fainted in my kitchen and my neck was broken. God… I feel like I just can’t connect with you. Do whatever you have to do to make things right between us.
Philippians 3: 7 But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8 What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ…
When I compare what I had to give up after my injury to what I have now can I consider my past rubbish? I know that I can. I believe that my injury saved my soul. I was in a bad space before this happened. Although a 12-step program helped me stay sober for three years, my life lacked connection and meaning. I was always searching and yearning for more. This injury helped me see my deep need for God and how much fulfillment and depth He can provide in my life, although there are bumps and bruises along the way (like the eyeliner scenario that turned into “poor me” saga).
Is it really so important for me now to look a certain way? Jesus says I need to be a light to the world and that doesn’t require eyeliner and lipstick.
Matthew 5: 14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.
The true treasure is not the way I look on the outside, but what is contained on the inside.
2 Corinthians 4: 7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.
There are things going on in our lives that are bringing us down, like sickness, depression, alcohol and drug abuse, suicidal thoughts, chronic pain, and so much more. If we worship God in spirit and truth (John 4:24) we have a treasure inside of us that gives us the power to persevere through trials and grow from them. Our example of perseverance is what shines brightly for others to see. People don’t say to me, “I really like what you’re wearing today!” or “Have you thought about wearing a little mascara?” They say, “You have an incredible attitude in the midst of your challenges.” And that is the treasure that I want others to see.
Psalm 16: 5 Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. 6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.
God is saying to me, “I am your confidence.” God is saying to me, “I am your identity.” God is letting me know, “My child, just wait, you have a delightful inheritance.”
Amen.
Diary of a Quadriplegic 
Terri,
Your inner beauty always shines forth in your eyes and your beautiful smile. I never see anything else….. your inner beauty is what inspires so many of us.
Grateful for you❤️😘🤗
Sending love,
Megan
Sent from my iPhone
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Thanks so much for sharing your life – the good, the bad, the ugly and especially the beautiful spirit that you let shine!
Love,
Jan
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Amen, amen, amen!
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Amen, amen, amen!
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Terri,
Blessed by your honesty and sincere love of our Savior God. As Prov. 16 says, How much better to get wisdom than gold [or eyeliner]! God bless and keep you, sister.
pax,
dora
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Terri, you are beautiful on the inside and that is what God sees – and it is what others see when His light shines through you!
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Thank you for so transparently sharing your struggles as well as blessings. God sees the inner beauty of a quiet spirit.
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Terri, the light of Christ shines brightly through you and your writings. I will note the courage I see in your prayer, “Do whatever you have to do to make things right between us.” Not everyone will get that raw and real with God. You did! He answered and you are bearing the fruit.
May the Lord Jehovah bless and keep you.
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Dear Terri, Thank you for posting today. I have never seen you, so I only know your inner beauty which comes through your witness of our Lord. His beauty of holiness is His gift of His Spirit within us. This is all He cares to see. Love and blessings.. 🙂 Fran
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Thank you for sharing this sister. It seems that God doesn’t ask our permission to break us – He knows the eternal fruit that comes forth would make us grateful that He did.
While the world foolishly clamors after celebrity talent and glamor, our Father showcases the broken and humble and brags to the universe, “Look what comes forth from this humbled daughter of Mine when I lift her up!”
Sister, you will leave hearts changed in this world bc of your courage and surrender to God.
We love you Teri & praying for you.
Thank you for sharing your heart in this post! 🌷
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Good Evening Terri, This was an incredible story of faith. Thank you. My wife, Margaret, always reminds me that our lives are like tapestries woven by God, but we only see the back of them. It’s a chaotic mess of different color threads going every direction. God knows the end picture and we occasionally get a glimpse of the beautiful side that He’s woven. The more we accept the gift of His grace and love the more we see the beautiful life He’s created. You’re in my prayers as always. Thank you for the wonderful reminder of Him. Greg
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I loved reading this and it was just what I needed this morning. A perfect reminder. I can’t wait to run together in heaven. 🙂
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Terri, You are a beautiful and gifted child of Almighty God. And, as a Christian woman, I am enlightened and enriched by your honest blog on your struggles with your outward appearance at this moment in time. As many others have noted, I only see a naturally lovely friend when I look at you. We are our hardest critics when we look in the mirror, but believe me when I tell you that you lack nothing outwardly in our eyes. May Jesus continue to fill you with the Holy Spirit and keep you well. Thank you for you inspiring ministry through your blog.
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I’m sure your beautiful inside and out ❤️ much love to you, Fiona 😊
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Terri, you are a beautiful woman inside and out! Your post always uplift me! Hope to see you soon!
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Thanks for keeping it real, my friend.
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Thanks for keeping it real, I love you
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Thanks for being a light to the world, Terri!
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Excellent and insightful testimony, Terri! I’m sorry the eyeliner didn’t work out but ironically your beauty shines even brighter because of your honesty and transparency in allowing God to reflect His radiance through you.
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This post came at a time that I felt I needed it. Thank you so much for this.
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Amen Terri! Thanks for being so honest. Your blog always inspires me to look deeper into myself and helps me grow spiritually. God does amazing work through you!
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Amen Terri! Thanks for being so honest. Your blog always inspires me to look deeper into myself and helps me grow spiritually. God does amazing work through you!
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Encouraging to read your post! Dealing with Chronic Pain is depressing sometimes. I also realize GOD is gracious and doesn’t treat as our sinful self desires. Show great mercies.
On Mon, Oct 11, 2021 at 11:31 AM Diary of a Quadriplegic wrote:
> Terri Nida posted: ” During my prayer time last night, I found myself > shaking my fist at God in frustration. Thankfully He didn’t strike me with > lightning because He is merciful and full of lovingkindness. Plus, it > motivated me to write this blog. I am open to the idea that ” >
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Thanking God not only for the gift of Jesus but also for the gift of you and your witness, faith, talent and perseverance as well during this holiday season, Terri. I wish you a very blessed and Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year 🙂
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Terri,
I was just trying to recollect one of the scriptures you mentioned. I felt certain that the Holy Spirit led me to your blog.
I’m sorry about this, but I truly chuckled when you mentioned that the eyeliner faded. I relate to this type of wanting, getting, failing scenario so much.
Waiting for the Holy Spirit when we are made at Jesus or the Father is like figuring out to have our feeling cut out rather than our sin!
I have been completed perplexed and mad at God for the situations that I have in my life: underemployed, daughter living with dad, living in 14 places in 13 years at 51, and JUST getting by financially, family estrangement, friends limited…even being taking advantage of or left out.
I feel for you sis. This challenge you have is a giant. I remember a student in college in your situation, wheelchair bound. I believe he would write with his teeth. I know, I would flippantly think, “how challenging” as I’d marvel a bit at his situation.
But, in truth…you must have an amazing thought process. That God wants to get you to stop moving around and just think up and over everyone…You must edify the Body at a very high order principality or dominion, (however that is laid out…). I know how existential I am, I hope I woo myself a husband in my ripe old age…but, while I serve Him and grown in my devotion to Him through my trials…I know that he refines my humor, my intellect, my precepts and the scriptures I find pertinent to refine myself and the kingdom. I’m certain that must be something profound for you and He as Your Husbandman. somehow, someway…I pray the Holy Spirit reveals all of this to you. Believe you me, I have wanted my vanity back for YEARS now. I gave up on in for a decade…and only slowly recover that kind of vanity. Bless You sis and you learn your true value to Your Savior, Your Maker and Your Friend. In Christ, Jeanine Petro (South Florida…)
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