It’s been a while since I’ve made a post. Frankly, I didn’t feel like I had anything positive to say so I just kept quiet. I am finally coming around as God has been moving my heart into a more faithful direction.
If you’ve kept up with my blog, you know that many changes have ensued over the last several months. I recently went on Medicaid and so had to move into a shared room at the facility where I’ve lived for just over a year. The room is suffocatingly small and my roommate likes to leave her light on all night and keep the heat on in the dead of summer. The hallway is a little smellier than the last and there’s a lot more moaning and other interesting noises going on.
My first few days down here were filled with hopelessness and weeping. I went through my usual, “why God? Why?” I laid awake at night filled with anger, resentment and sadness. I had terrible insomnia. Since a little over a month has gone by, this has come to mind:
Psalm 42: 5 Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
A friend of mine encouraged me to find a little something to be grateful for each day. In doing so, I found I had a lot to be grateful for each day. It is so easy to forget to praise God in times of trial and testing. There is always something to be grateful for. I know of two other women who are quadriplegic because of freak accidents, like me. And yet, they can’t talk. Their only means of communication is through blinking their eyes. Another woman I know is on a ventilator so she is only able to whisper. All of them are bedridden.
I am so blessed. I can advocate for myself because I have a voice. I have a laptop with a special application that allows me to dictate instead of using my hands to type. I have a high-tech wheelchair that I move with head motions which allows me to move around the halls and get outside. I also have a wheelchair van which was partly paid for by donations from friends and former coworkers.
My life situation is still incredibly difficult at times and many nights I still lay awake baffled at all of this. But I realize all of our life situations have challenges. I am not unique just because I’m a quadriplegic. As an able-bodied person I had plenty of challenges. I always wanted more, more, more… And I was frustrated and never at peace. Regardless of our life circumstances, we are called to practice being still, to trust, and to persevere.
Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God…
Proverbs 3: 5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Romans 5: 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.
We will never understand God’s timing because we can’t think the way he thinks (Isaiah 55:9). He put some life circumstances in place to build our character and give us hope. The Bible teaches us that if we trust in him we will reap a reward, but it doesn’t give us a timeline. We want what we want when we want it. I know that’s true for me. But I am learning, slowly but surely, God can and will do great things if I will simply be still and be patient. The times of life when God seems silent are times when I should pray like the persistent widow and not give up (Luke 18:1-8).
If God can part the Red Sea, he can give me a purposeful life. If Jesus can heal the sick and bring the dead back to life, he can heal some of my chronic aches and pains and parts of my body, if he so chooses. If God can send manna from heaven to the grumpy Israelites, he can change my anger and resentment to joy and peace. If God can make the walls of Jericho crumble down, he can break down my walls fear and anxiety that keep me awake at night. I need only to be grateful and patient.
Psalm 37: 4 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.