I’ve had a rough few weeks. I have been battling God on the idea of whether or not I can handle this life journey as a paralyzed person. I have said repeatedly in my blogs that I believe my accident has a greater purpose. And yet each morning when I wake up I am frustrated when I open my eyes. I wonder how I can live through another 24 hours in this dead body. I get angry and I get afraid, but I look to God’s word for comfort. He always speaks to me gently.
O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. — Psalm 139:1-4 (NIV)
Psalm 139 is a love story. It describes how intimately I am known and loved by God. He knows how I feel. He knows exactly what I can or can’t handle. He knows when I feel worthless. He knows when I am deeply discouraged. He knows when I rejoice. This Psalm teaches me I am not alone in my feelings.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. — Psalm 139:7-10 (NIV)
Not only does God know how I feel at all times, I can never escape him. On my worst day, God does not leave my side. I cannot out run him (nor does he want me to). Over the last year and a half, when I felt like he was punishing me or he had abandoned me, he was right by my side holding my hand. He was guiding me back to the truth about his loving and unchanging character.
I often question God’s decision making and what he’s allowed to occur in my life. I often get angry because I don’t want to endure it. Sometimes it feels like his love hurts. And yet he still stands by me through all of these emotions. He knows I am resisting. He knows I am weary. He knows I am mad. But none of this changes his perfect, unshakable, all-knowing love for me.
And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. — Ephesians 3:17-19 (NIV)
Terri, Psalm 139 is one of my most favorite. I used to have it memorized completely…something I need to get back to doing. As I’ve said many times, I can’t imagine how you feel, but I do know anyone in your position would have those same feelings…doubting God’s love, His presence and His plan for you. But please know that you are inspiring others with your words. You help us see how blessed we are and that we need to be using our blessings for others. I’ve thought of you so much over the past year and a half – even more so this last week. I’m experiencing numbness, along with tingling and pain on the left side of my face. I have some loss on strength on my left side. I’m seeing doctors and getting some test run. My mind always drifts toward you. Not knowing what is going on with my body is hard, but I am trusting God with it and not being anxious about it. I know my problem is small and probably not serious, but please know that you are inspiring me that what ever is going on, can be faced with faith (and courage if needed).
Thank you always for sharing your thoughts, heart and love for God. I look forward to your posts so much!
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Dearest Terri, just when I don’t know how you could get more honest, real, truthful and powerful in your blog, YOU DO! Just a few days ago I was feeling sad and lonely and decided to read Psalm 139. I also listen to this song by Amanda Burke “You don’t miss a thing” and it brought me to tears. Just thinking about how intimately God loves us, thinking about how he knows what I’m feeling at every moment and meets me there. It’s amazing.
I thought about Jesus on the cross and how he felt alone and cried out to God. God answered.
You are so right when you see that God has A beautiful plan for your life as a paralytic. Even more beautiful than the plan he had for you as an able-bodied person.
A beautiful plan for your life as a paralytic. Even more beautiful than the plan he had for you as an able-bodied person. You may not see it or feel it but please believe it. Believe me when I say how your faith encourage and even your downtimes are in upward call to me and so many others. We love you, Steve and Betsy
You are an anointed writer and communicator. You strengthen my heart and my walk with God. I love you and I am privileged to be your friend. Keep writing
My tear glands are being captivated as I read your post. Thank you for sharing your worthy thoughts. Just continue to write and verbalize your feelings. As long as we are breathing, we do still have a purpose in this life. You are God’s instrument to inspire others not to lost hope despite life’s adversities. Keep the faith and continue inspiring. God bless you!
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God understands and feels all your frustrations and confusion. For me, one of the biggest hurdles of understanding is to comprehend that God is with us even when it does not look like He is. May the Lord reveal His love and presence to you each and every day.
Terri, you are STRONG when you think you are weak! You are an amazing young woman with a bedside/wheelchair WRITING MINISTRY that impacts lives around the world, encourages others, points us to the Source of Life and the promises He keeps as found in His Word. Continue to share your heart. God loves your honesty and dependency on Him and your bold proclamation of your Source of strength and HOPE. You are REAL, sincere, lovely. Jehovah God, your God and mine, is sovereign and supreme! Continue to tell others!
The Psalms have meant a great deal to me in my devotional life. I have regularly reflected on them in prayer for nearly 40 years. Each time I come back to one, it means something different and both blesses and challenges me in particular ways.
When I was at a point of great despair in my life, these verses from 139 caused me anguish. I wanted to run from God. I was sick and tired of God being so involved in my life. I wanted to just be left alone. It was during this period that I attempted to take my own life.
But God brought me back from the dead and has walked with me, as promised, ever since. Now I am grateful each day in the midst of the highs and lows, the ups and downs, for I know I am not alone. And that is a good things,.
Tony – even though our life circumstances are different, I feel like I relate to you in so many ways. When I read your blog I was so moved. Our suffering is producing in us hope for the next life. I’m so glad I found your blog. I’m looking forward to reading your book and would like to hear more about your publisher.
Hi Terri, it’s Theresa Jones. I learned of what happened from Paula Steele (formerly McIver) who learned from Karen Gilliam. I’d love to visit you so we can talk like old times. You are still one of my fondest memories from Triangle and I hope we can re-kindle our friendship.