Like some of you, I have experienced anxiety and feelings of isolation for the last several months. The pandemic, the political unrest, and other issues facing our world have caused an uneasiness and angst that I wasn’t expecting. It’s been especially bad since I’ve been locked in my long-term care facility. Not only can I not have visitors in, I cannot leave the premises or even leave my room. I know that the rest of the world shares this discomfort with me and that I am not alone.
Besides the stress that I am feeling about the pandemic, I am also anticipating the departure of my full-time aide as she gets ready to go to nursing school. This may not seem like a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but as a quadriplegic my lifeline is the person that takes care of me.
One of the difficulties of being paralyzed from the shoulders down is having very little control over my body. For example, I don’t want just anyone handling my personal care. I can tell my aides how I want to be bathed or how I want my hair brushed, but I have very little control over how they actually do it. Some learn to do things very well or just have a knack for it. Others just don’t have a knack at all.
Thankfully, I do have a say so into whom my aide will be, but it may take time to find the right one. It can be stressful sifting through different people from day to day, having them see me unclothed and taking care of my personal hygiene.
Psalm 4: 8 Now, because of you, Lord, I will lie down in peace and sleep comes at once, for no matter what happens, I will live unafraid! (TBT)
I do not need to be afraid of the future because God will give me exactly what I need. I can make a list of exactly what I want and pray over it every night, begging God to give me my heart’s desires, but God knows what is going to help me. Based on past experience, the most unsettling times in my life have caused me to grow in character, persevere, and keep me faithful for the long haul. This uncertain time in my life is no exception.
Psalm 103: 1 You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4 Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.
God knows me better than I know myself! There is something very comforting in that thought. It’s tempting at times to want to get mad when I don’t get “my way”, and yet what I want could be to my greatest detriment, or I could miss out on a wonderful blessing.
Psalm 42: 5 Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.
When I am downcast, when I feel steeped in doubt, when I question God, these are the times to praise Him. I can’t say I’m perfect at it, but when I do it, it turns my faithlessness right side up.
Praises
During this pandemic, I am grateful for the friendships that were forged via Zoom meetings. We were forced to meet in smaller groups for church fellowship and it turned out to be a more intimate setting which allowed all of us to be more vulnerable and grow close to each other.
I am grateful I had the opportunity to work with my dear aide for almost 5 years! She has been a godsend and a close confidant, almost like a daughter or a younger sister. I can’t wait to see the doors that are opened for her as she returns to school and allows God to direct her future.
And lastly, I praise God for this rocky patch in my life as it is making me more desperate to dig into His Word, learn about His character, remember how much He loves me, and how He always wants the best for me.
Amen.
Diary of a Quadriplegic 
Terri, you are still on our prayer list here (now for a good caregiver). I am glad to see the Lord giving you strength over fear
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Thank you for your continued prayers, Gary!
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You always say, so beautifully, all that is needed to be said. You give all of us great lessons of life. Praying for your peace and happiness, Terri. I hope you find someone to care for you just like you’ve had for five years.
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I sure do miss seeing you Gretchen!
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My husband and I were married for 47 years. We were both medical doctors. We worked in Nigeria. I was an atheist when we came to Nigeria. I had a crisis conversion and became saved. After that, my husband too got born again. We retired in 2000 and w started a church. At the beginning we were about 20 people. Now, we are more that 1000. To God be all the glory. On the 3rd of July my husband got sick with covid and passed on to glory in less than 24 hours. I am not the senior pastor of the church. I live alone in Nigeria. I am thie only ‘white’ in the church. I could not have made it but the Holy Spirit gave me a fresh ‘baptism’ of power from on high. In an instant I became strong (spiritually and physically) and focused, For me, without the miracle of fresh power from the Holy Spirit, I could not have made it. He was my best friend. We have 3 children and 7 grandchildren who live in the US. The sculpture that helped me recently is this: “Be watchful but not afraid! Stay calm! Have faith! in God!” (Isaiah 7:4). It may help you too. I wish you well. God is in control! God bless you dear sister!
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Silvia, thank you for so much encouragement. I will pray for you.
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Terri, you are in my prayers as you search for the aide God has for you. You are an amazing woman of God. I encourage you to keep going deeper with Him!
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Thank you for your prayers Cheryl!
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Hey girl, I’m always glad to see an email from you. I hope you can find another care giver that has a good personality and someone you look forward to seeing everyday. Have you been healthy through this covid experience? So far so good with me, cleaning junk out of the house. My brother is doing good with his dialysis and one of my nephews got engaged, but I have rarely seen them during this time. Oh well, hopefully soon we will get a vaccine and life can get better esp. for you. Take care
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I hope to be able to see you soon Susan! I’m glad you’re doing well.
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What a beautiful, mature attitude.
I have never believed in the Catholic version of Purgatory, but I have thought of the latter years of life to be a purgatory of sorts for some people – where any other “gods” we have held onto get taken from us. Gods such as independence, pride, vanity, and dignity. Sooner or later we’re all going to have to let go of those things, and it sounds like you’ve got a head start on all of us.
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Terri. I am praying for you to get a compatible aide.
Also I love how you approach God with your needs. This is what I will do too.
You are a great inspiration to me.
Love,
Diane Marie Mitchell.
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It’s great to hear from you Diane! I send my love.
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I had no idea she was going to nursing school! I am happy for her to have this opportunity, but I know how sad and uncertain you must be feeling. I pray you find the perfect new aid and I can’t wait until we can visit again!
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Terri you are a person I am proud to call family . I myself can’t know your struggles but you show your perseverance through all your struggles. Your faith has not waivered. You and your strong love for our Lord and Savior comes through in all your writings. God has blessed me by having you in my life . Love you Cuz and may God bless you .
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And I am grateful for you! It’s been so wonderful to be reconnected to family.
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I pray for you daily, I miss visiting you and enjoying our lunch time talks and I pray your transition with a new aide will be smooth. Hope I can see you soon!!
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I miss you also! Maybe next year will be a better one where masks will be a thing of the past! Love you.
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My dear Terri, I don’t know if it’s possible for you to understand the impact that your diary has on many many people. There is incredible power in the word, your words, my words and most importantly the Word of God. I thank you so much for opening up your heart and mind and sharing your thoughts and feelings. I connect with you. But not only that you then connect me with God’s Word and with his heart towards me.
I pray for you and love you.
I pray that God will surprise you in a good way with the new aid that he has picked out for you. I pray that she will be helpful to you and that you will be a blessing to her.
Someday we will meet together up yonder with no aches and pains, no wheelchairs, no tears. Only the incredible joy of seeing God face-to-face in our new bodies.
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I can’t wait for that day to meet you up yonder! What a wonderful thought. I think I’m going to start reading Things Unseen again, bit by bit, for encouragement.
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Terri, I have had the most incredible thought as I read your post. Being the type of person that believes the Lord can take any situation and use it for His glory, I am struck by how the Lord is using you to minister to those of us “out here” who are trying to make sense of this new “normal”.
Who better to speak calmness and peace to those who are in turmoil than one who is living it on a daily basis, and still has a grateful heart. That would be you my friend! God is using you in ways you would have never thought possible, and I am praising God for His incredible goodness in the face of catastrophe.
I will be praying for you to find the perfect caregiver. I have no doubt that our Lord has already prepared this person for you and that they will be perfect.
I pray the Lord’s blessings upon you Terri.
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Thank you Ron. I’m so grateful for my relationship with God and want him to use me in whatever way he needs to.
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Terri ,
You have no idea how right you are on the difficulties of finding good PAs. Also, I’ve been wondering why I hadn’t seen any emails from you in my box. Turns out, they were found in my social folder and I didn’t even put them there.. So glad to hear you are doing well- all things considered. Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving and have a wonderful Christmas as well. You are in my prayers, now friend
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Terri, I am praying God sends you an aide that is just as big of a blessing to you are to us. I feel like my faith is often topsy-turvy and God always uses your words to set me right-side-up again. In terms of letting your light shine for Jesus Christ, you are a torch and I thank God for you! You are appreciated more than you know 🙂
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Terri, I am praying God sends you an aide that is just as big of a blessing to you as you are to us. I feel like my faith is often topsy-turvy and God always uses your words to set me right-side-up again. In terms of letting your light shine for Jesus Christ, you are a torch and I thank God for you! You are appreciated more than you know 🙂
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Terri, we’re praying for you to find a new caregiver. We think about you often and hope you have a beautiful Christmas seasons.
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So good to hear from you, Terri. I think of you often, and pray for that spirit of yours to keep shining through. Added now, of course, will be my prayers for a wonderful long-term aide, and for an unexpectedly joyous Christmas and New Year!
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Wishing you a very Merry Christmas Terri! May you be greatly blessed as you have been such a great blessing to so many of us 🙂
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Reblogged this on Mitch Teemley and commented:
My Featured Blogger this week is Terri Nida of Diary of a Quadriplegic. In a nutshell, Terri is one of my heroes. Like our mutual friend Bill Sweeney (who went to be with his Creator in January), Terri faces life with, and draws inspiration from, all of the challenges implied in her blog site’s title–and much, much more. Her meditations on hope, faith, and courage have something to say to every one of us.
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Loved reading your blog and hearing your concerns. So wonderful to hear you praise God in the midst of your difficulties! Blessings to you!
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Thank you, Valerie. I look forward to taking a look at your blog as well. Blessings to you also.
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Amen.
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Hi great reaading your blog
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