We all have a journey. I’ve been fighting mine as a paralyzed person because it’s felt so hard. I’ve been trying to tell God, this is too much for me. I kept thinking that he would make it easier because of my diligent prayers and the prayers of so many others in my life. And yet in many ways things just got harder. There were more visits to the ICU and more physical pain. There was more emotional turmoil and a deep depression. And I just couldn’t understand why he was allowing these things to occur.
It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees. — Psalm 119: 71
Suffering and affliction can bring about a desperation for God. I’ve learned things when I’ve suffered that I never would’ve learned when things were going along nicely. It’s my most painful moments that make me desperate to hold on to Jesus and believe his words. I want to know him in a way I’ve never wanted to before. I thirst for a close relationship with him. When I feel the worst inside, I think about him grasping onto my arm as if I were hanging off the side of a cliff. It gives me comfort and peace.
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. — John 16:33
There was a time in my life when I knew the truth about God but chose not to live according to it. I drank too much and got into dangerous relationships. Nothing could fill my empty soul. I finally reached out to a support group and was able to get sober for almost 3 years. That’s when I began to reach out to God once again and sought the fellowship of Christians in a bible-based church. And if you know my story, you know that I fasted one day, fainted in my kitchen, and woke up paralyzed.
I have often questioned why this happened to me when I was on my road to recovery. My road to reconnect with God and people. Why such a tragedy? Why now? It seems like when I was on my way to getting my life fixed, it suddenly became broken. Snapped like the C4 vertebrae in my neck. In a split second – the blink of an eye – everything changed.
I have contemplated this idea of my life being broken during my “upswing” for a little over two years. I have come to this conclusion: Is my life really broken? Or am I being healed?
Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word. You are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees. — Psalm 119:67-68
Diary of a Quadriplegic 
You might not realize this, but your words are an inspiration to the care givers as well as to those who might be in a similar situation as yours.
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Terri, I’m so sorry you have had some rough days with visits to ICU and with pain. I’m so thankful you share your thoughts, struggles and the scriptures you focus on while going through those struggles. It’s like you know what I’m feeling at times and how much those scriptures would help me too. We are all learning lessons and we all question our lives, motives and actions. Our journeys may differ, but in the end we all struggle with basically the same thoughts about our lives. Keep sharing when you can and know that I’m always thinking and praying for you. And I know you do the same for me! 🙂
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Terri,
I just want you to know how much I appreciate your honesty and realness. It takes so much courage to share your true feelings and thoughts and what you are truly going through. I know we always want to know why? When my younger brother died at the age of 35, I asked that same question too.I even asked God why not me instead of Him because he had 3 beautiful young daughters that needed him and I don’t have any kids. But it was my dad that reminded me I can’t question God’s will because His will is perfect. Believe me I know how hard that is because I analyze everything! But thank God we have God’s word to keep me on track! Rm 12:2
So keep fighting the good fight and know that you have people praying for you and with you! It was sooo good to see you at church today!
Luv ya,
Yolanda
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Terri, the scriptures are ALIVE for you and you make them come alive for each one of us through your Blog. Thank you so much for your faith in Jesus and your humble and tender heart. I love you….one day…..
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I feel your pain when you ask why this happened just when you were coming around to Him. Years ago I had a great job with a Fortune 100 company. I travelled overseas, was able to take my family to London and Rome, and – as a special treat – I arranged fir my wife to come along on a business trip to France, after which we spent a week in Paris, Versailles, etc.
I was a pillar in my church, gave a lot of my time and money and did a lot of people a lot of good.
Then came the layoffs, the bankruptcy, the foreclosure, and I really wanted to know…WHAT THE HELL?!?!?
I’m starting to get a feel for WTH now 10 years on. Still, a postcard or telegram might’ve done the job, eh? 🙂
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I am humbled and struck by the depth of the Father’s love when He shifts the paradigm through which I see life to a new unexpected one, like the shift you describe in your conclusion. Your circumstances are different than many but the emotions and struggles of the heart that you share can resonate with most people.
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Thank you for your encouraging words.
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