I have been feeling so down the past week or so and I can’t pinpoint why. I feel more sad than usual when I look around this facility and see people who are confused, lost, or feel left behind by their family and friends. I can tell there is something bothering me but I’m not sure what it is, so I’ve been praying about it and asking God to reveal it to me.
I feel the internal angst on the outside of my body as well. My face just feels pulled downward, as if the flesh and skin are too heavy to smile. I feel pressure in my chest and a pit in my stomach. Sometimes I don’t feel like eating. But I do eat. And I do talk to others about what I’m feeling, including a therapist and some of my spiritual mentors.
I realize what I need the most is time with God. He is my Comforter. He is my Counselor. He is my Redeemer. Most importantly, He is ever-present in my life – especially in times of trouble.
Psalm 139: 7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
In my life, some things are blessings and some things are lessons, but they are all gifts from above. When I was first paralyzed in 2013, I thought my injury was a curse and that maybe I was being punished by God. It took almost 2 years for me to realize that this injury is actually a blessing and is teaching me to have more depth in my prayers and Bible studies, and it is an incredible opportunity to reach others who feel lost and alone.
As I dig in the Scriptures for answers, I feel stronger and more able to climb over this emotional mountain. Even as I write this blog, I am feeling stronger. I know I can deal with my feelings because I understand that the Lord will give me everything I need for each day, and I can feel at peace if I only reach out to Him.
Psalm 23: 1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, 3 he refreshes my soul.
God grants me peace and tranquility, more so than I would get from any other source. He refreshes my soul when my soul feels dried out and empty. It is God that feeds me. It is God that fuels me. It is God that calms my anxious heart. When I am not intentional about my relationship with God, I am an empty well. When I do not push through to spend time with Him, I am the dry bones described in Ezekiel 37.
Psalm 23: 3 He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. 4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
There will always be dark valleys in my life, but God will lead me where I need to go if I will just listen to His word and cry out to Him. Moses and Aaron used the rod and staff to perform great miracles before Pharaoh. If the rod and the staff can turn the Nile into blood, create an infestation of frogs, and the overtaking by locusts throughout the land, they are certainly powerful enough to heal my heavy heart. God same rod and staff comfort me.
Psalm 42: 1 As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. 2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? 3 My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long,“Where is your God?”
The psalmist understands that he needs God like he needs water. In the midst of his tears, he understands that his soul is dry without meeting with God.
Psalm 42: 5 Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
The psalmist also understands that the way out of his well of despair is to praise God. And I understand this as well.
Today I am grateful that I can share vulnerably with all of you. Today I am grateful for the technology I have that allows me to connect with the world. Today I am grateful for the friendships I have, and the church family, that take such good care of me. Today I am grateful for the prayers you pray that allow me to get through each day. Today I am grateful for this wheelchair, that’s allowed me to see the world and to understand God in a different way – a way I’m convinced I never would have experienced had my injury not occurred.
Today I would rather feel this depression, as long as it takes, knowing God is with me, than spend even one day back in my former way of life of drunkenness, loneliness and disillusion.
Psalm 84: 10 Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere…
Amen.
Diary of a Quadriplegic 
Terri, I love this so much. You teach us how to turn to God for our answers and comfort. Thank you for sharing your heart so vulnerably.
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I hate feeling this way but it teaches me where my strength comes from.
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What a great statement!
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Terri, I love this so much. You teach us how to turn to God for our answers and comfort. Thank you for sharing your heart so vulnerably.
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Thank you my friend for sharing your gift with others. You could have easily distanced yourself from the world. Instead, you had decided to become a beacon of light that shines towards the Lord and His glory. Thank you for your love for the Lord and His people. May He continue to bless you!
Much love,
Angie
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Right now I am grateful for this post. Praise God 🙂 This has been a blessing to my heart more than you will ever know Terri. LORD, thank You for continuing to bless Terri, and for continuing to use her for Your good. 🙂
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Hi Margaret. I’m glad it was a blessing to you. I am so thankful to have a relationship with the God who comforts us.
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Amen Terri 🙂 I don’t know what I would do without Him. That’s not true. I know exactly what a mess of a person I would be without Him 🙂
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Hi Terri, I really appreciate reading your beautiful words. I know what you mean – only God can fill that void, and there are certain periods of our life when we’re more aware of it than others. I’m sending you a big hug. You’re not on FB are you? I moderate a large Christian women blogging group (mixed denominations) and thought to add you there if you wished it.
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I would love to be added to your group! You can pull up my profile by my name, Terri Nida. Thank you!
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Terri, Thank you for being so vulnerable. It is so easy when things are going well to distance ourselves from God. I have found when things are out of my control that I am drawn to God for comfort and compassion. I am so thankful that you have made a decision to share your thoughts with all of us bloggers.
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“Trust in him at all times, O people, pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge” Ps 62:8 Love you 🙏
I know, Terri, and that you do trust in him. Thank you for pouring out your heart to us as you pour it out to Him.
I love you!
Betsy
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Thank you dear sister! You are a light showing us the way. We love you so very much!
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Thank you Terri for being a witness of faithfulness in hard things. Blessings dear sister, I pray strength and courage for you in the valley.
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Thank you, Karisa. I can also think of you during this time and how you’ve persevered and kept your faith in God.
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I’m grateful for your transparency and courage to be honest during this season of heaviness. I don’t understand these seasons either, but I am comforted when I read David‘s psalms. He, like you, was brutally honest and persistent in his pursuit of God, knowing the Lord to be his only comfort, shield and source of unfailing love. You write like he wrote and God uses you as he used David, drawing countless others closer to God as we read your brave account of your journey. Your journey is beautiful. You have a heart after God’s own heart. We love you very much. We all admire you and I am blessed by your life and writing.
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Terri..thank you so much for sharing your faith with us. Your ❤️ and trust are worthy of imitation. I will be praying for you to continue to overcome. I love u, sister😘
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Terri,
Please,never forget the words of Jesus who tells us that the gates of Hell shall not prevail against the Church. YOU are a member of His Church Terri, and while seasons and times of discouragement will come, they cannot defeat you. The battle is the Lords, and last time I checked He was still undefeated!
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Thank you for the encouragement, Ron!
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Good morning Terri, I appreciate your words this morning and the strong woman of faith you are. Please keep sharing your journey. My wife deals with chronic pain and has been on modified bedrest for three and a half years since her last back surgery. She is a strong woman of faith as well, but has times when the depression strikes hard. I read her your posts and we spend time with God. Things always seem a little brighter then. Thank you and bless you.
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I am so thankful for prayer. And I am grateful we have access to a God that provides comfort, understanding, and peace. Thank you for your kind words.
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Thank you Terri. As all others have said, you are a Blessing, and a gift from God to each of us, and many others whom you connect with for sure.
Your love of our Lord Jesus is inspiring.
Thank you Terri. God Bless you Abundantly, as you serve Him in a Powerful manner, through your life, and your blog.
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As always, George, thank you for the kind words. I am so thankful for my blogging community and the friendships I have gained. And I am thankful to have connected with you.
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Hang in there Terri, I relate (in quite a different way) to your thoughts and also to your conclusion “Today I would rather feel this depression, as long as it takes, knowing God is with me” Truly we know that the presence of Jesus trumps our mental, physical and emotional pain” But it’s still hard so we need each others encouragement and be Jesus to one another…thanks for your willingness to do just that!
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Dear Terri, you may still be grieving for the loss of your Dad – it’s still too soon since he died. You are strong but you are entitled to be down, maybe good days and still sad days. Watch some fun movies that make you laugh and listen to good music. Think of you every day. Miss you when I don’t see you often. Will see you again soon. Much love, dear friend.
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Hello dear sister, I’m so glad to hear from you. Your ministry undergirds many heavy hearts – you will only know in eternity how the Holy Spirit moved thru you. Thank you Terri, we’re praying for you. 🌺
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Such beautiful, faithful words of encouragement when “darkness” can feel overwhelming. Not only do I find comfort in this blog, but I know of several people who I think NEED to read this that I will share this post with. Your beacon shines so much further than you realize. Love you!
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Today I am thankful for you! I love your honesty and encouragement. His presence…dwelling in it and drinking of it is my increasing longing. Thank you for sharing so beautifully.
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Wonderful reminder of how, in the midst of trials, to keep our eyes fixed upwards on our loving God just like when David said “I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills from whence cometh my help.” Thank you for being such a lighthouse for God for so many of us out here (like me) who often struggle with the darkness of depression and need to be continually pointed towards the true Light that will always help and guide us back to safety. Thank you for being such a blessing 🙂
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I think God uses us the most when we are weak but reaching up for him. As always, thank you for your kind words. I won’t take credit for what God does when I write. Surely I am carried along by the Holy Spirit.
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Indeed you’re right, Terri. And I’m thankful that God through His Spirit (and the writing talent He gave you) uses you so mightily as a lighthouse for so many of us who are struggling in the dark waters of our trials. It’s so easy to remain focused on the troubling waters of present circumstances, but you remind me that instead I need to be looking not down, but up towards the Light that will not guide me astray nor let me drown. I thank you for letting that beacon of Light shine so brightly through you. A big part of the reason your blog impacts me and others so much is that you continue to let that Light shine even during your weakest moments and you also incorporate that into your writing which makes the message of who God is and how He continually helps us resonate even more deeply.
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I’m a recent reader of your blog, and I want you to know how much I admire you. I bless you and your holy, righteous attitude toward your situation. ( I know, I know, you’re probably not always saintly . . .for none of us are.) How wonderful that you are God-conscious, and that His word is so dear to you. You are an inspiration. Thank you for following my blog, and for reading my material. Blessings always………Shirley
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Amen!
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“Better is one day in His courts than a thousand elsewhere.” Amen until my breath ceases!
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Terri
This is what I call a blog well worth reading.
I’ve just discovered your amazing story today.
Looking forward to reading your older posts along with what comes next.
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Your heart is beautiful. Thanks Terri. Keep fighting. God is with you. The ONE is in you is greater than anything out there. Imagine a world without pain and sin and trouble, imagine that Most high God will reign one day. Imagine that, no sickness and death.
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Dear Terri, as the Lord continues to lead, I am here, reading your wonderful testimony of His presence and power in the lives of His children. You are truly His and a wonderful example for our new book, Filled with Grace ~ Wrapped in Glory. The power and beauty of the Christian life are knowing Christ lives in us and we, in Christ. You are a blessing and a praise to His glory as He fills you with His grace, envelopes you, surrounds you, covers you, and protects you, preparing you for His eternal glory with HIm. I look forward to more of your witness of His continual presence with you. Much love and blessings, dear Sister-in-Christ. 🙂
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Another great post, Terri. I love this line: “…some things are blessings and some things are lessons…” So true! Some things, like your posts, are both. You are an inspiration.
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