For many of you that read my blog, you know that I am paralyzed from the shoulders down and live in a long-term care facility. My permanent aide of the last five years has picked up different responsibilities so others are having to fill in. There has been very little consistency in the aides that are now taking care of me over the three shifts that have to be covered. It’s difficult to have someone different every day see me in ways that make me feel super vulnerable.
These changes in my caregiving routine have caused me a lot of insecurity and anxiety. These feelings are amplified during my nightly battle with insomnia and have caused me to experience a wicked depression. Some mornings I feel like I just can’t breathe and it’s difficult to focus on doing the right things.
A few days ago, I spent time meditating on how much God loves me and it was like salve for an open wound. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t instantly become joyful and feel better, but it gave me perspective and provided a sense of peace. Like many others, sometimes I question God’s plan when I feel like problems are closing in on me. Those are the times I must get into the Word of God to be reminded of His true goodness. I hope this is helpful to someone that might need it.
Romans 8: 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
There are days that I doubt, that I want to give up, that I wish I could get drunk or take something to make it all go away, but God tells me I am more than a conqueror, no matter how I feel about myself. The reason I am a conqueror is because of how much God loves me. Nothing can ever separate me from His love. He believes in me. He cares for me. He listens to me when I pray. He wants the best for me.
Psalm 5: 11 But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. 12 Surely, Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield.
Even when I am suffering or feeling down, I can rejoice in God’s name. He protects me. He blesses me. He surrounds me with favor as with a shield. Others walk around this world empty and aimless with their heads hung low, but I am surrounded by God’s favor! Because of that, my life can shine even when things get hard.
1 John 3: 1 See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know Him. 2 Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as he is.
I am completely in awe that I can be a child of God. After all I’ve said and done, He is still calls me his child. How my Father delights in his children! And to one day be able to see Christ “as he is” seems unbelievable. It’s too good to be true. I can’t wait for that day!
Ephesians 4: 17a I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that will surpasses knowledge—that you may be in a filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
I cannot even comprehend the love Christ has for me. It’s just too big for my small mind to grasp. To be filled to the measure with the fullness of God gives me great hope and confidence. I cannot be separated from His love – no matter where my emotions take me. When depression crowds my mind and the world seems darker to me, God is still there. He is still working powerfully in my life because of His immeasurable love.
Psalm 103: 11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him; 12 as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.
The distance between the heavens and the earth cannot be measured, and that’s how much God loves me. When I’m feeling anxious, I need to meditate on the fact that God’s love is so big I am completely engulfed by it. God completes me.
1 Peter 1: 3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.
Sometimes I suffer being in this wheelchair, but my suffering strengthens my faith, which the Scripture says is of greater worth than gold. Jesus Christ will present me with praise, glory, and honor one day. That does fill me with an inexpressible and glorious joy. I have something in store for me if I persevere through the trials in my life. With the right perspective, this makes the most difficult times in my life worthwhile.