Today I have hope because I am focusing on the right things. But my trek to this point has been hard.
As many of you know, I’ve had a rough several months. I’ve been in and out of the ICU, spent time in a long term acute care facility, and, for a while, was not able to return to the facility that has been my home for five years. That was probably the worst part of this journey. The good news is, I’ve returned to my facility, where much of the staff is like family to me, and I’m close to my church folk and many loyal friends who visit me on a regular basis.
As much as I am relieved to return to this facility, it’s felt like a very steep and treacherous passage. There’s been a lot of turnover with the CNA staff and it seems like I have a new person every night that’s not familiar with my routine or my wheelchair. Some of them are not full-time employees here, they’re coming from an outside agency, and they are the ones that can be uncaring and dismissive. I found myself taking oxycodone when I had no pain. I had to come clean with some sisters in my church who are also in recovery.
Because of the staffing problems and several other pressing situations, I’ve been anxious and depressed on and off and found myself wondering why God would allow me to have such a long stretch of trials. Although I know where my help comes from, the depression has made it so difficult to believe. Psalm 121:1-4 says:
I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. (NIV)
If God is the maker of heaven and earth he can certainly help me. God has not forgotten me! He doesn’t slumber and he won’t let my foot slip. How easily I forget this in the midst of painful hardship.
The NASB version of Psalm 43:2-5 says:
For You are the God of my strength; why have You rejected me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?
O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; Let them bring me to Your holy hill And to Your dwelling places. Then I will go to the altar of God, To God my exceeding joy; And upon the lyre I shall praise You, O God, my God.
Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why are you disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.
I have, at times, felt rejected and I mourned. I said to myself, where are you, God? This is one of the first days I’ve allowed God’s light and his truth lead me. Today I had to fight to want to pray, and I had to fight to read the Bible. I felt really down today and because I was so disinclined to writing this blog, I felt like a failure. But I forced myself to write. It was so difficult!
I no longer want social media and the news lead off my day. As most of you know, the news is so very depressing. God is my exceeding joy and I want to sing his praises each morning. Please pray for me, that I will have some stability in my walk with God.
Finally, my sad face that at times feels unable to smile, my countenance, can be filled with joy with God.
Thank you to my blogging community. I’m so grateful for all of you. Reading your blog posts gives me hope. That’s also a cure for my countenance.