As I was laying in the ICU again last week, God gave me a new perspective that I would like to share with you.
Praise be to God for my wheelchair. I believe through this trial, he is saving my soul. I believe through this trial, he is making me whole. God is making me into the woman I always wanted to be — maybe not externally, but by leaps and bounds internally. All those years I felt sorry for myself and tried to drink my troubles away because I felt so empty inside. I’d rather be sitting in this wheelchair than sitting in a dark apartment drunk on wine. I’d rather be sitting in this wheelchair than mindlessly going to work every day wondering who I am and what is my purpose; always wanting more, more, more from my life. I’d rather be sitting in this wheelchair than living as a lost soul in this world without a relationship with God, stuck in a rut with no way out, wondering why am alive?
Philippians 1:18 – 21 Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, 19 for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. 20 I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.
Christ is my life. If I didn’t have a relationship with God through Jesus, I would never survive what I have survived so far as a quadriplegic. I would have no reason to want to live. I would have no hope. I would have no good news to share with others. I would have no peace. Because of my relationship with God, I am able to face each day with courage and with perseverance. Not perfectly, but it can be done. Because of my relationship with God, I have something to share with others that might amaze them. They see me sitting in a wheelchair each day, and yet I have a smile and a kind word to share. I am by no means perfect. Sometimes on bad days, I share unkind words. But God’s power is still at work despite my weakness.
Because of my relationship with God, I have deep fulfilling relationships within the fellowship of believers. I have brothers and sisters, soldiers of the cross, that pray for me and with me. We are able to encourage and challenge one another as we run our races to the finish line.
I am no saint. I have not arrived. I have many bad days when everything I’ve said above seems to disappear. Yet I realize none of it has disappeared. I’m just having a bad day. If David had days when his soul felt downcast within him (Psalm 42), I can have those days, too. My calling (and yours too, I suspect), is to remember that trying situations are for our deliverance, and not meant to destroy us.
To live is Christ.