For the last few months, I have been fighting to believe that God is good at all times. I am facing a drastic change in my living situation. I will still be in a facility but it might be a different facility and it will definitely mean living in a double room with someone I do not know. These changes terrify me.
I’ve also had three new “permanent” caregivers over the last couple of months. Just when I get comfortable with one, something changes in their life and they move on and another one comes in. I get very frustrated having to train a new person on how to care for me. Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. Sometimes I feel like I’m going insane because I can’t control anything anymore. And that’s the honest truth.
Depression looms large at times because of uncertainty and confusion. These are the times that I just want to give up on God. I think to myself, how can he allow this to happen to me?
Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word. You are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees. Psalm 119:67-68
The most penetrating spiritual lessons I learn come as a result of my physical and emotional affliction. I am convinced that I would never learn these lessons were it not for my life circumstances. These lessons cut deep into my soul and leave a lasting conviction on my heart. God is good and what he does is good. Maybe God is saving my soul through this affliction that I live with day in and day out. In this I can rejoice because I know what ever God allows to happen in my life is good.
Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.” Psalm 16:1-2
This Scripture has come to mean so much to me since I collapsed in my kitchen over two years ago. I have been stripped of everything in a worldly sense, and yet I am rich because of my relationship with God. I never realized how rich I was until this accident occurred.
What is this richness? When I feel the worst and I just want to die, I can look into the Bible and it changes me. It is so amazing to me that the word of God is so powerful. It inspires me to go on and encourages me that I am not the only one who lives with pain and discouragement at times. This spiritual enrichment cannot be measured. It makes me grow and change in a way that can never be achieved by human effort.
And the power of prayer! There is nothing in this world that can heal a broken soul like prayer. I’ve tried all the other avenues that I thought would work: relationships, material things, alcohol, exercise, being a workaholic… Thanks be to God for prayer. I don’t have to chase after the wind any longer because of prayer. I don’t have to feel empty any longer because of prayer. And in my darkest times I can still be joyful because of prayer.
Truly, apart from God I have no good thing. I may suffer emotionally and I may suffer physically, but I can still be joyful because of the richness of God.
Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:17-18