For the last few months, I have been fighting to believe that God is good at all times. I am facing a drastic change in my living situation. I will still be in a facility but it might be a different facility and it will definitely mean living in a double room with someone I do not know. These changes terrify me.
I’ve also had three new “permanent” caregivers over the last couple of months. Just when I get comfortable with one, something changes in their life and they move on and another one comes in. I get very frustrated having to train a new person on how to care for me. Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. Sometimes I feel like I’m going insane because I can’t control anything anymore. And that’s the honest truth.
Depression looms large at times because of uncertainty and confusion. These are the times that I just want to give up on God. I think to myself, how can he allow this to happen to me?
Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word. You are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees. Psalm 119:67-68
The most penetrating spiritual lessons I learn come as a result of my physical and emotional affliction. I am convinced that I would never learn these lessons were it not for my life circumstances. These lessons cut deep into my soul and leave a lasting conviction on my heart. God is good and what he does is good. Maybe God is saving my soul through this affliction that I live with day in and day out. In this I can rejoice because I know what ever God allows to happen in my life is good.
Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.” Psalm 16:1-2
This Scripture has come to mean so much to me since I collapsed in my kitchen over two years ago. I have been stripped of everything in a worldly sense, and yet I am rich because of my relationship with God. I never realized how rich I was until this accident occurred.
What is this richness? When I feel the worst and I just want to die, I can look into the Bible and it changes me. It is so amazing to me that the word of God is so powerful. It inspires me to go on and encourages me that I am not the only one who lives with pain and discouragement at times. This spiritual enrichment cannot be measured. It makes me grow and change in a way that can never be achieved by human effort.
And the power of prayer! There is nothing in this world that can heal a broken soul like prayer. I’ve tried all the other avenues that I thought would work: relationships, material things, alcohol, exercise, being a workaholic… Thanks be to God for prayer. I don’t have to chase after the wind any longer because of prayer. I don’t have to feel empty any longer because of prayer. And in my darkest times I can still be joyful because of prayer.
Truly, apart from God I have no good thing. I may suffer emotionally and I may suffer physically, but I can still be joyful because of the richness of God.
Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:17-18
Diary of a Quadriplegic 
I’ve written this to you before, but know that it is true. You are an encouragement to others. Don’t give up the fight of faith.
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I love you, Terri. Thank you for writing with transparency and courage. You continue to inspire me to be real with myself and with others. There’s no reason and there’s not enough time to be anything but real. As I read your post, I was reminded of Jesus’ words that He is the true vine and we are the branches. Our most important “job” is to simply remain in Him, to remain in the vine and to trust the Father’s pruning process and his timing for harvest. Terri, it meant so much to me this week when God reminded that the pain I’ve known is not pointless, but the pain, the stripping away, the difficulties, the terrible struggles have purpose. That purpose is that I might experience/live a fruitful life that pleases the Father. There’s nothing more important than pleasing Him. You are being used by God DAILY in big ways, whether you realize it or not. Your life is fruitful, Terri. He is with you. He works through you. He works through you to encourage me in the journey I must take. I love you. Thank you for being you and for facing your days with courage.
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Dearest Terri…..I just want to let you know what an absolute inspiration you are to me and others who are blessed to know you. I’ve recently subscribed to your journals, and am in awe at your Faith and your constant spiritual inspiration you are to me and others. I read your journals with an ache in my heart and tears in my eyes because I just want to hug you; to offer some kind of encouraging words or any kind of support to uplift your sprits. I come away each and every time being the one who is encouraged and uplifted by your words of devotion and Faith in God. Your words encourage me to strive to have a better relationship with God-to truly know him like you. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through and only wish I could offer more to you than just my warm thoughts and prayers for God’s love, comfort and support for you. Keep writing in your journal so that others, like me, can be humbled and encouraged by your words. I will continue to pray for strength, God’s comforting support, and will continue to sing at the top of my lungs every time the song ” Overcomer”, by Mandisa, comes on the radio. I only wish you could hear and see me-cause it’s extremely comical and know it would make you chuckle. I share these lyrics to remind you- You’re and Overcomer and that God is holding you right now.
You’re an overcomer
Stay in the fight ’til the final round
You’re not going under
‘Cause God is holding you right now
You might be down
Feeling like it’s hopeless
That’s when he reminds you
That you’re an overcomer
You’re an overcomer
The same man, the great I am
The one who overcame death
Is living inside of you
So just hold tight, fix your eyes
On the one who holds your life
There’s nothing he can’t do
He’s telling you
You’re an overcomer
Don’t quit, don’t give in
You’re an overcomer
Don’t quit, don’t give in
You’re an overcomer
You’re an overcomer
Love and prayers your way, from one who holds you very close in thought and prayer.
Dana Lacock Ward
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Sending hugs, have you been able to get out any? I was out doing yard work this past week-end and was hoping you were able to get out.Is there anything I can do for you? I’m pretty busy @ work during the week and I’m not sure what happens on the week-end with you, but if you make a request, I will be happy to try. My phone # is 919-922-5047. (I try to answer it, but I’m not on top of it as most people are) and I try to answer my e-amils. Don’t telll anyone, but I am answering e-mails @ work today. I’m waiting for 1 last office to send me their schedule so I can do my work before the schedule closes @ 12. I hope you can stay where you are and that your new roommateis quiet and calm, maybe we can decorate your side of the room to make it more like you. guess I had better go…….
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I have a friend who has been battling cancer for the past 10 years. her bones are “gone” as she has multiple myeloma, and she is either confined to bed or moves by wheel chair.
she has been in a nursing facility for the past 6 years. she has been on different wards, and had multiple problems, including nursing neglect.
i do not know how she does it, except she also has to depend on god to get her through each event. getting the right help is predictably most likely not going to happen on an ongoing basis.
people at that level have “jobs” that do not pay much, so they are not motivated most of the time. then interspersed with the bad is the good help.
different shifts bring different staff. usually nights are short staffed and you can forget getting much help unless there is a big problem, and you ring the bell. I have had to go to the nurses station at times to tell them she is in pain or about to throw up.
why does god allow this?
I search my own heart sometimes, wondering why as well.
job was tested when he was innocent, because god showed satan that job would be faithful, no matter what satan did to job.
personally, i have not had to be in a nursing home, but I do know what medical neglect and malpractice is, by personal experience.
i have learned not to expect much from the world, but day by day, just trust in god, like my friend does.
it is a hard path, but there is a crown at the end.
god is good, but this world is bad….
someday we will not be here, and all will be forgotten as we will be with our bridegroom in heaven.
for those who do not suffer, and pass the tests of faith, there is less waiting for them
also, however, whoever is not tested yet will be tested…..
gold has to go through fire.
sometimes it is a life long series of bad circumstances.
for others, it is an intense, immense problem to face in a short period of time.
stay the course.
every time you are neglected, and trust the lord, you are giving glory to god, and drawing close to his beautiful heart.
be blessed and know god loves you so much.
you are going to be ok
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Marianne – thank you so much for your thoughts and encouragement. Clearly you understand what your friend and I endure living in these godforsaken places. It really can be so awful and dark. Your comments have encouraged me to hold on and to think of your friend and to pray for her. Thank you.
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The treasures of darkness…thank you for sharing! I woke up this past week with the sweetness of a dream in which I had found a verse that said God hides himself in clouds so we can find Him. There’s many verses that imply that and it is an honor to read the words of one who is uncovering Him in the darkness. Be blessed, sister, cause you are blessing others!
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Michiecarter1972@yahoo.com
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I stumbled upon this as I was searching a verse of Scripture. In my life too I found the Lord, when things I values in this world failed me.
I was a Christian for decades, but when I lost and still loose “precious” things and have heartache, my first reaction is to fear, and to kick and scream. But more and more now, I hold my peace and lament in tears before Him. And as it is with you, when I feel the worst, and I look into the word, it cuts my soul. It changes my soul.
I have come a long way. I wish sometimes that these situations happened to me at a younger age. I would then know Him sooner and be able to give more of my years and energies to Him. But even now, its only when He keeps on my knees, that I know Him more.
You touched on the power of prayer. Oh what a great joy prayer is. I pray in tongues a lot. I desire Him so much.
I pray for you my dear friend. You have found the treasures of darkness and the hidden riches of secret places. For some reason He has chose to purify your heart maybe more than the rest of us. You are rich and my prayer for you is that you do not become weary, but continue and reach the wonderful destiny that “no eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no heart has conceived, but it is revealed to you by His Spirit.”
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