I have been in such a dark place for almost 3 months now. I don’t know if it is the approaching of my two year anniversary as a quadriplegic or if I’m just being tested. It seems like everything is weighing down on me all at once.
My biggest frustration has been uncertainty. There’s been turnover with my caretakers so I’ve had a lot of temporary caretakers in the interim. What this means is that there are miscellaneous strangers bathing me and taking care of the intimate details of my personal care on a daily basis. It’s felt so humiliating to have so many different people seeing me in such a vulnerable way. Some days I feel like a sack of flour being flipped back and forth on the bed. It’s as if I’m just some inanimate object without feelings. I find myself asking God, am I really going to have to live here the rest of my life? All of these life experiences are too big for me. I can’t take this another day. I’m drowning!
I want to beat myself up for not being strong. I feel like I should be in a different place emotionally. I should be out in the community doing inspirational talks and inspiring the masses. I should have written a book by now. I should be something more than what I am. And what I am feels like not much of anything. A little pile of dust in the corner waiting to be blown away by the simplest movement of air.
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you. For my power is made perfect in weakness.” — 2 Corinthians 12:9
As much as it pains me to write this, there is something perfect about my life circumstances. There is something to be learned. There is something for me to share with others. In the midst of the madness that I feel from day to day (and I can assure you that I feel on the edge of my sanity quite often), there is something valuable. A jewel.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. — 2 Corinthians 4:7
I know I am not the only one that suffers. I have had so many friends share with me the hardships of their lives and it helps me to remember that in the midst of all these painful struggles, when we feel the worst about ourselves, we are perfect in God’s eyes. We are all being made holy. When life feels so dark and unfamiliar, there is power in the most unlikely places. Thanks be to God. For I will not be broken in the midst of my pain.
Diary of a Quadriplegic 
Terri, I think of you often and pray for you daily. My prayers always ask God to give you strength and peace. Sending you love and hugs, I remain humbled by your incredible spirit. God bless!
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Thank you Megan. I miss your hugs!
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You have been missed. Take joy in knowing that your words are speaking life to someone in need. Thank you.
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I appreciate your kind words.
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You are an amazing inspiring lady. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for sharing your trust and your faith in our Lord Jesus.
I understand a little bit ( a very little bit ) of what you are experiencing, although not first hand.
My wife was a home care giver for a number of years. She had her regular clients she would see, but periodically she would fill in for someone else. She would share with me how she sympathized with these new clients then, how they would basically have to give instructions at times as to what / how to be of help because she had no instructions going in. She felt so bad, and so sorry for the ladies / gentlemen she would visit, in their vulnerable state.
We also have a good frien who had a brain bleed a couple years ago, and needs help a few times a week for bathing etc. When her regular care giver does not come, or there is a change made, how uncomfortable she is also.
You are a unique lady though Terri, I appreciate seeing whatever you write. I know you are a testimony to Jesus Christ in word and action.
God Bless You my Sister in Christ.
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Thank you. I appreciate that you continue to read my posts. Your comments are always uplifting.
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I’m so sorry for your struggles. Having good and long-term caregivers is so important! I’ve had the same caregiver for 8 years. I remember how awkward and embarrassed I felt the first time she gave me a shower. I can’t imagine going through that over and over like you are – horrible. I’ll be praying that you get a great permanent caregiver.
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I know you can relate. Thank you for the encouragement.
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Hi Terri – I missed your blogs!
I think you are already inspiring the masses – hey, you reached me in Brisbane, Australia! I have told at least 5 people of your blog, who in turn have told others.
As for your book, I am already reading your book in your blog, and I find it truly inspiring. You may not feel like you are strong, but your posts ooze ‘strong’.
Sometimes the plans that God has for us start out small, and when we are faithful in the small, He will give us a bit more. I know of a pastor that God called to start his own church, and for 13 weeks, he preached to his own family, but he kept on going! Gradually the size of his church increased. I have a group of card making ladies that I thought God was going to take places, and for 2 1/2 years I have had 4 people! So I focus on the 4 and do the very best I can for the 4.
Depression can put a cloud over things too. It seems to have seasons of highs and lows, (it does for me) so wait until you feeling a bit more yourself, and look at things again.
Praying for you and for staff who will treat you with honour, respect and dignity.
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Thank you for the encouragement!
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Thanks for your honesty. I cannot begin to comprehend all you experience in your life but I continue to pray for you. May Psalm 73:26 NET be an encouragement to you. “My health may fail, and my spirit grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever.”
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A very good reminder. Thank you!
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I am so sorry for what you are having to go through, I just moved back to Durham after taking care of my mom for 6 years. She had alzhemiers and for the last few years was dependent on us for everything. You always had such a great personality and your honesty was always refreshing and helpful to us that have a hard time expressing our feelings. It looks like you are also inspiring others with this blog. Let me know if I can do anything for you.
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Hi Susan! It is so good to hear from you. Thanks for your encouraging thoughts.
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I would love to see you, but don’t know where you are. Email me
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My healing blog is for people like us. I’ve been a C-6 quad for “30 Years Longer Than Necessary” as one of my posts says. I’m trying to reach paralyzed people especially. The world of paralysis is about to change and I’m going to pop the bubble and take everyone with me. I’d be honored if you read my blog and give me feedback. Nice blogging with you.
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